Speaking "Autistic"

I read a book a while ago which was a refreshing change on the subject of Autism and validated my 'gut feeling' and 'instinct' approach to my son's behaviour. I've always taken the approach that if he displays an autistic behaviour that isn't dangerous and doesn't do anyone or anything any harm, I leave it alone. It will either disappear in time, or it won't. I figured there was a reason for the behaviour, even if I as a neurotypical didn't understand what that might be.

The book is called "Autism, The Eighth Colour of the Rainbow" and it takes a gentle look at autistic behaviour and flies in the face of most doctor and therapist advise by encouraging us to view each behaviour as an attempt to communicate or to get a need met and encourages us to try to understand what's behind it, rather than just jumping on the behaviour and going straight into behaviour modification techniques.

Here's my latest 'real life' experience.

For years, my son has patted people, particularly in the face. Often he approaches at some speed and he can be aggressive, so people's response to his approach was to be defensive and prepare to be hurt. Also, the pats were often just too hard. They hurt! So I have for at least a couple of years tried to prevent this behaviour and reduce it's frequency, without a whole lot of success. I would physically grab my son's hands and tell him "No! we don't pat or hit! Especially not the face! Stroke instead!". The behaviour continued unchanged....

Then one night, I sat beside my son at the dining table and after a few minutes it was as if he'd suddenly realised I was there and he dropped his spoon, span in his seat and patted me hard on the arm. Instead of my usual reactions which closed him down and shut him off, something inspired me to put my hand gently on his and say "Hello! I love you to!". Instead of the usual frustrated growl after being shut down, I was rewarded with a big grin and a giggle! Instead of the behaviour being repeated more forcefully, he went peacefully back to eating his dinner!

Over the next few days I observed the patting behaviour more closely. When I saw it, I would respond with phrases like "I love you too!" "I see you too!" "Hello to you too!" and each time I validated that he had made an attempt to communicate with such responses, he grinned and moved on.

Then I started saying "I love you too! but I'd rather you said it with a stroke or words" (my autistic is fully verbal, he just has to remember to use it). When he rushed up to friends of siblings to pat, I'd say "use your words to say it!".

After just a couple of days, I got such a shock when he came running towards me, hands drawn back to pat, stopped dead and declared "I love you!"!

Now his wonderful teachers at his school tell me that the autistic patting is often their way of saying "hello" and just as we have many ways of saying "hello" sometimes the pat means "Hello, I see you", sometimes "hello, I hate you", sometimes "hello, who are you?" etc. It is always an acknowledgement of your physical presence in their world.

How I wish someone had told me this years ago!! How I wish I had a dictionary for 'Autistic-English' translation, just like you can get French-English dictionaries!